Risk Assessment

I don’t think of myself as someone who takes unnecessary risks. I don’t ride my bike without a helmet. I don’t smoke. I don’t frequent narrow and unlit places at night. I will do most things reasonably in my power to ensure my safety.

I was recently looking for a place to live and I found one near my work that I could afford. It’s actually a very nice location on the corner of a wide, well-lit and well-travelled street. It is, however, within the limits of a city neighborhood that some people consider to be unsafe. I have my suspicions that this perception has a large basis in fear and exaggeration, fueled by suburbanite mistrust of low-income and high-black areas. I have lived here for six weeks and my gut feeling of safety has suffered no erosion on either a conscious or subconscious level.

Now, given the vigilance of my behavior, my risk of being randomly attacked is realistically only infinitesimally more on my street than in any other urban area. But there are some that would say that even such a slight reduction in personal risk as moving to another neighborhood could afford me would be worth expense and the inconvenience.

Here’s where I disagree, and this brings me to how I think of risk. None of these people is considering that risk is not only confined to physical considerations. We also have to look at the metaphysical risks involved. Do I want to risk becoming the sort of person who lives in fear? Do I want to risk becoming unaccustomed to interacting with people of another race? Can I afford the risk of considering my personal safety more important than that of the men, women and children who call this neighborhood home?

A metaphysical view of risk can apply to so many other situations. The point is, if our risk aversion leads us to extremes in seeking comfort and security, we run the risk of leading dull and meaningless lives. We risk ignorance. We risk selfishness. We risk regret.

Tread carefully.

How good is your life?

By all obvious measures, my life is far more “on track” now, and I’m really grateful for that. It’s nice having something coherent (and even mildly glamorous) to say to people at social gatherings who ask me what I’m up to. I’m finally on a normal sleep schedule, eating sensibly, exercising regularly, and free of spiraling neuroses. The paychecks are rolling in and I have financial security. It’s a ridiculously sweet situation.

…But is it bringing me closer to God?

The answer is, it CAN be. At the end of the day, I answer that question. And not just by stating what it is, but by actively choosing what it is. I can use this to grow spiritually, one example of which is to strive to see the increase in responsibility that comes with an increase in privilege.  But the whole point of this post is the following realization that came to me this morning.

“I am my only limiting factor in life, because I have the power to deprive myself of God’s bounties, whereas no one else can take them from me.”

Whether one is tempted by bitterness and despair or by frivolity and ease, the need for vigilance and self-accountability is constant.

O SON OF MY HANDMAID! Be not troubled in poverty nor confident in riches, for poverty is followed by riches, and riches are followed by poverty. Yet to be poor in all save God is a wondrous gift, belittle not the value thereof, for in the end it will make thee rich in God, and thus thou shalt know the meaning of the utterance, “In truth ye are the poor,” and the holy words, “God is the all-possessing,” shall even as the true morn break forth gloriously resplendent upon the horizon of the lover’s heart, and abide secure on the throne of wealth.

For every one of you his paramount duty is to choose for himself that on which no other may infringe and none usurp from him. Such a thing—and to this the Almighty is My witness—is the love of God, could ye but perceive it. Build ye for yourselves such houses as the rain and floods can never destroy, which shall protect you from the changes and chances of this life. This is the instruction of Him Whom the world hath wronged and forsaken.

May through November

[An epic narrative detailing a significant chapter in my life.]

For seven months, I lived at home at my dad’s house. I moved back after my year of service, which was not quite a year, but eleven months of dramatic upheavals of my inner monologue. I came home with a great sense of relief that my time in South Carolina had finally drawn to a close, but, besides this feeling, I was also saturated with a mercurial haze of confusion.

I’m going through my journals and I just can’t make sense of anything I wrote from the first few months. At first I thought I was leaving the country and heading for South America. Then I decided that I was bound for China. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get involved in NGOs and peacemaking. After attending a graduate seminar (which brought me to the first strands of real clarity and insight I’d had in quite a while), I decided I might be destined to make a contribution to the realm of medical science. But even then, everything was scattered. I was going to move to Portland and work for a while and study alternative medicine and go to one of the ND schools out there. Then I decided that I should just nanny and do volunteer work in Minnesota while studying medical science on my own. Then I lost my nanny job and tried to find plebian jobs in natural healthcare. Finally, I decided to set my sights on full-time jobs that would use my degree and get me out of the house.

During this time I was trying my best to re-integrate myself into life and the world around me. But the connection just wasn’t fully happening. For too many hours of too many days, I was left with nowhere to go and no one to see. I could see the grand meaning in life and I could find meaning in the little things, but there’s something about that glorious and intermediate level of meaning known as a career or life calling.

Near the end of August I was overtaken by a great and mighty swell of restlessness. I was ready to really find my path, to be of service, to make something of my life and most of all to live completely. I went for long walks in the late summer air and turned my face skyward and moved and breathed and burned with a passionate yearning after true, intense, authentic, spiritual, emotional and material LIFE.

Almost simply to prove my point, I turned around and fell in love with everything about the life I already had. I decided to stop complaining. From that point on, I would supplicate, and I would be, and I would do, but I would not complain. I set myself on a mission to LIVE or to die trying.

Enter about 10 weeks of a heroic struggle to embrace life, to trust in God, and to do everything in my power to achieve my destiny. I turned inward and found certainty in my calling towards the medical sciences. I clung to Bahá’u’lláh’s injunction to “earn a livelihood by my calling.” I figured, if this is the right thing to do, then I will be assisted in doing it! It was only a matter of time and effort. I was very determined to make my attitude independent of my circumstance. I was reading The Hidden Words and forcing myself to really consider their implications…such as, much as I would like to lament for a lack of something or other, the TRUTH is that I have all of the inner resources that I need, because within the heart of every atom (person), there is a powerful and blazing sun. “For My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof.”

I held on so tightly. I had some small inner victories, where I would use despair to provoke a sense of defiance against said despair, which increased my resolve. But I was slipping. I was brave up to the point where I’d had a phone interview for technical writing, no other job leads, and nothing to do but wait and see what happened. It was the waiting that drove me insane.

This was the end of October. It was like I had reached the end of one level and I was waiting for the next level to load, and I was suddenly seized with a deep sense of mistrust. I could see two options. One, that the technical writing job was what I was meant to get, so that I could learn to be employed and independent. The other, that I would be subjected to another level that was exactly like the last one, in some kind of cruel test of patience and resignation. And this very possibility, though it was far from likely, made me extremely angry for about a week. I usually try to come to a place where I will be happy with whatever happens, but I just couldn’t bring myself to acquiesce to the possibility of more endless droning months of limbo. The seeming dead end and the lack of certainty about the outcome had prompted me to dwell more deeply on just how NOT OK I was with that idea. I was desperate and anxious and every day was like hell.

Finally one day I literally shook both fists at the sky, demanding mercy, demanding relief, demanding something that I could live with.

A couple days later, I learned of a new job opportunity. Just the perfect thing. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Hours later I was invited for an interview with the technical writing job. Soon after, I wrote, “I am humbled both by bounty and by adversity, having control of neither.”

November 15, I canceled my tech writing interview and accepted the job as a research assistant. Full-time medical research. The past few weeks…planning for the job, arranging a move, saying goodbye to the last 7 months. Right now…still so very humbled by the beginning of a new stage.

May I now rise to the challenge with which such a bounty has presented me.

The Basics

The essence of wealth is love for Me: Whoso loveth me is the possessor of all things, and he that loveth Me not is indeed of the poor and needy.

Love Me, that I may love thee.

Obey My commandments for love of My beauty.

If thou lovest Me, turn away from thyself, and if thou seekest My pleasure, regard not thine own, that thou mayest die in Me and I may eternally live in thee.

My love is in thee; know it, that thou mayest find Me near unto thee.

Make My love thy treasure and cherish it even as thy very sight and life.

Out of the clay of love I molded thee; how dost thou busy thyself with another? Turn thy sight unto thyself, that thou mayest find Me standing within thee, mighty, powerful, and self-subsisting.

 

Calamity as Providence

O Son of Man! My calamity is My providence. Outwardly, it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly, it is light and mercy. Hasten thereunto that thou mayest become an eternal light and an immortal spirit. This is My command unto thee, do thou observe it.

I really wanted a chance to interview for a certain job and I was praying like a beggar, tweeting and posting to facebook about it, talking about it to everyone, feeling like the stars were aligning. But I got cut from the process between phone interviews and formal interviews. And it was awesome.

I feel like I’m being conditioned more and more to see the spiritual opportunity in every situation. Frankl was so enlightened to realize this. Prayers and holy words kept flooding my mind today. I have this opportunity to detach from worldly measures of success, to be patient, to be joyous, to be thankful.  For everything there is a sign. The sign of love is fortitude under My decree and patience under My trials. Sorrow not save that thou art far from Us. Rejoice not save that thou art drawing nigh and returning unto Us. The essence of wealth is love for Me; whoso loveth Me is the possessor of all things, and he that loveth Me not is indeed of the poor and needy.

I feel invincible. I feel like I have it all and nobody can ever take it away.

Thank You for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.

Man’s Search for Meaning

Introduction

The core of Viktor Frankl’s psychological theory is that the primary factor in mental health and the will to live is a person’s sense that his or her life has purpose, and, therefore, the extent to which he or she can create or discern such a purpose. Man’s Search for Meaning is divided into two parts. Part one describes his experience in a concentration camp, which, in Frankl’s own words, serves as the “existential validation” for his theories, which are expounded in part two.

The concentration camp is a unique setting in which to observe human psychology, in that people in this situation lose every tangible link with their former lives and identities, as well as any certainty regarding their own survival and that of their dearest loved ones. I would never condone performing such an experiment on people solely for the sake of gaining such insights, but Frankl did make the most of the situation he was in, as both observer and subject.

Analysis

One of the biggest insights from this book, for me, is the notion that a life circumstance involving unavoidable suffering constitutes a priceless opportunity for spiritual achievement. “If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering… Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him.”

Viktor doesn’t say it in so many words, but the implication isn’t necessarily that suffering itself is a source of meaning. But if one were to recognize the concept that the purpose of human life is to develop spiritual qualities and to serve humanity, then suffering may be seen as opportunity, whereas one could never reach this conclusion if approaching the situation from a materialistic perspective.

Frankl explains that it matters little what you expect from life, when compared to the more pertinent question of what life expects from you. There’s something deeply ennobling about taking on the perspective that you have been given a great task and a high standard to live up to. It is empirically proven, if human experience is to be given any credibility, that such a perspective causes a person to be more assured and resilient. A situation will rarely match your expectations, but you will deal with it more gracefully when you frame it in terms of how best to respond, or whether you are being presented with the opportunity to take decisive action, to reflect, or simply to bear things gracefully.

What you do now, your choices and the manner in which you conduct yourself, also determines what repository of past experience you will retain for all eternity. As Frankl says, “Having been is also a kind of being, and perhaps the surest kind.” My grandmother has always treasured her experience of patiently enduring six years’ imprisonment for being a Bahá’í. And now she’s lived her life, and it was well done indeed.

Favorite excerpts from Part II:

• On the idea that noble goals can sometimes serve as a mask for feelings of inadequacy / inner conflicts within a person:

“Unmasking…should stop as soon as one is confronted with what is authentic and genuine in man, e.g., man’s desire for a life that is as meaningful as possible. If it does not stop then, the only thing that the ‘unmasking psychologist’ really unmasks is his own ‘hidden motive’ – namely, his unconscious need to debase and depreciate what is genuine, what is genuinely human, in man.”

• On the interpretation that there is something wrong with one who is concerned with the apparent lack of meaning in life:

“Existential frustration is in itself neither pathological nor pathogenic. A man’s concern, even his despair, over the worthwhileness of life is an existential distress but by no means a mental disease. It may well be that interpreting the first in terms of the latter motivates a doctor to bury his patient’s existential despair under a heap of tranquilizing drugs. It is his task, rather, to pilot the patient through his existential crises of growth and development.”

• On the natural difficulty humans face in discerning meaning:

“What is demanded of man is not, as some existential philosophers teach, to endure the meaninglessness of life, but rather to bear his incapacity to grasp its unconditional meaningfulness in rational terms. Logos is deeper than logic.”

• On the definition of a mentally healthy state:

“Thus it can be seen that mental health is based on a certain degree of tension, the tension between what one has already achieved and what one still ought to accomplish, or the gap between what one is and what one should become… I consider it a dangerous misconception of mental hygiene to assume that what man needs in the first place is equilibrium or, as it is called in biology, ‘homeostasis,’ i.e., a tensionless state.”

• On the balance between freedom and responsibility:

“Freedom is in danger of degenerating into mere arbitrariness unless it is lived in terms of responsibleness. That is why I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast.”

What I consider to be the crowning apex of Frankl’s philosophy:

“By declaring that man is responsible and must actualize the potential meaning of his life, I wish to stress that the true meaning of life is to be discovered in the world rather than within man or his own psyche, as though it were a closed system… The more one forgets himself – by giving himself to a cause to serve or another person to love – the more human he is and the more he actualizes himself. What is called self-actualization is not an attainable aim at all, for the simple reason that the more one would strive for it, the more he would miss it. In other words, self-actualization is possible only as a side-effect of self-transcendence.”

Compare that with a quotation by Shoghi Effendi, the guardian of the Bahá’í Faith, who lived during the same time period as Frankl: ‎

“The more we search for ourselves, the less likely we are to find ourselves; and the more we search for God, and to serve our fellow-men, the more profoundly will we become acquainted with ourselves, and the more inwardly assured. This is one of the great spiritual laws of life.”

Conclusion

“Every age has its own collective neurosis, and every age needs its own psychotherapy to cope with it.” – Viktor Frankl

“Every age hath its own problem, and every soul its particular aspiration. The remedy the world needeth in its present-day afflictions can never be the same as that which a subsequent age may require. Be anxiously concerned with the needs of the age ye live in, and center your deliberations on its exigencies and requirements.” – Bahá’u'lláh

“Our generation is realistic, for we have come to know man as he really is. After all, man is that being who invented the gas chambers of Auschwitz; however, his is also that being who entered those gas chambers upright, with the Lord’s Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips.”

Thank you, Viktor Frankl, for all the trials that you endured and the wisdom that you uncovered.

On Anger: Its Usefulness or Lack Thereof

There may or may not be an entire world of explanations of the nature of anger. The purpose of this post is not to survey a variety of theories and approaches to the subject, but to explore one explanation that has provided me with useful insights.

From various reading which I have not bothered to bookmark or reference (because the synthesis of personal understanding need not always leave a paper trail), I have shaped an understanding that anger is a natural emotion that arises in response two main causes: a perceived threat to the well-being and safety of one’s self (or one’s loved ones), or a perceived obstacle hindering one’s progress towards specific goals (or general advancement).

Anger can then be useful when employed as a catalyst either to confront the threat or remove the obstacle standing in the way of your intentions. But this leaves many instances in which anger is useless. For example, what if your perception of a threat arises solely from within your own mind, due to some paranoia or misconception? Or what if the perceived obstacle is a reality that is outside of your capacity to change? In such cases, anger will arise in futility.

I have encountered anger within myself in my early adult years. This makes sense because I really began identifying personal goals in earnest about halfway through college, only to find myself sucked down the rabbit hole of discovering and identifying a miasma of mental habits and deep-seated attitudes that constituted a massive source of inner resistance against the noblest of my aspirations. I’m sure many people can relate to the experience without me going into details.

For the sake of illustration I will share one example each of useless and useful anger.

For me, driving a car generates a lot of useless anger. When I’m driving in or near a major city, a lot of unnecessary roadblocks can arise from the sum of individual driving habits, or as a result of accidents, construction projects, and just plain congestion. And when you’re right there in the car, you can do nothing about it. That’s the component of anger directed at obstacles. (I think the best solution in such a case is to do your best to let go of the perceived imperative to move quickly. Easier said than done, but taking deep breaths helps.)

The trickier part of road rage has to do with all of the threats to your safety. This can mostly be summed up by people driving aggressively or just plain recklessly in a too-close vicinity to you and your car. I can’t stand it! And this is an anger that I don’t know how to let go of, because on the one hand, some of my feeling threatened has to do with my general level of anxiety and fatigue, and it’s useless anyway to think that you can change the behavior of other drivers…but on the other hand, alertness and personal safety instincts can help you drive defensively and avoid accidents. This problem is still pretty unresolved for me.

Now for an example of useful anger. Now that I’m getting up and moving around more, I get these waves of anger at how slow and lethargic and weak my body has become. It’s funny how the movement itself can bring this anger to the surface…just yesterday morning I got up early and was inspired to say some prayers with yoga and stretching in between. I was in a state of serenity. Then I saw my friend going to exercise, which inspired me that I had some energy to burn and I wanted/needed to exercise too. So I went out for an alternating walk/run (I was traveling and didn’t have my dance videos to get my heart rate up…I don’t really believe in extended running, LOL). It was funny how much anger cropped up, in contrast to how serene I had been. The inner message was pretty clear. It’s obvious how good this is and that I need to do it more often, and I’m angry at the lethargy that’s gotten in the way. The emotion of anger in this case is motivating me to fight my lethargy and keep moving, which is already reaping benefits in my attitude and energy levels. For a blog about fitness and its interrelation with matters of the spirit, check out my friend Dominique at fastfunfit.blogspot.com.

So, readers, what do you think? Any insights to share about useful versus useless anger? As usual feel welcome to hit up the comments.

[signoff!]

Winning

In my estimation, the people to be admired (and the people who win at life in what matters most) are they who, in being and doing, love others the most purely, sincerely, and universally.

Sometimes I have a problem with awkwardness when sharing the same space with strangers. Also, various levels of social anxiety, which is thankfully not always apparent. I have, however, discovered the cure for awkwardness in any situation.

Here it is: Remember to feel the love. This might sound corny or ethereal but it’s really quite simple reality. If you just remember to feel love for those in your presence, whether they are your family or strangers or enemies or people who really annoy you (I think that’s the hardest case, LOL!) or people with whom you have previously experienced awkwardness, you can suddenly feel calm and secure and truly confident (as opposed to ego confidence) until nothing is irritating or threatening. It’s like you’ve been doused in a vat of eternal patience.

In this situation, even if there’s silence, it’s not the kind of silence filled with tension. You can just feel at ease and know that you have the power to make the other person feel at ease, too. It keeps you from saying stupid things as a result of feeling anxious and off-balance. It can also silence the frantic analytical brain spiral.

I should point out that this love-feeling isn’t something that you generate. No exertion required. It’s something you just tap into. You have to get out of the way.

More specifically, you have to get your rational brain out of the way. THIS IS CRITICAL! Because universal love is not rational. You can rationalize your way out of loving anyone. The thing is, you don’t need any reason to love any person. It’s a reason-free state of being.

Note that this isn’t really about fighting rationality. It’s more like just letting go and looking away and realizing that your judgments are more trivial and unimportant than a speck in the eye of a dead ant (Ok, ok, I borrowed that imagery from Scripture).

The only struggle is that this takes some courage, and I guess practice, because I for one am not used to this. I’m guessing it’s similar for a lot of analytical and/or anxious types. Rationality serves as our map and compass and, in switching to a new navigation system, it’s quite normal to fear that one is losing one’s bearings.

But it’s very encouraging that during the small percentage of the time in which I remember to try this method, and it’s like this luminescent lens of love comes between my eye and my mind, and it seems possible to look any person in the eye without fear. And they all see it behind your eyes, too. That non-threatening and ever-welcoming gaze.  You’ve seen it in other people’s eyes as well.

And the best part is, anyone can do it!

I think this is going to be some kind of revolution in psychology.

Decisions, decisions

Ah, yes. Consultation and prayer.

I was living alone in a trailer in the middle of nowhere, seven miles from town, on the side of a two lane highway. I was having some issues with isolation, boredom and anxiety, and this fretful idealistic drive to find the relevance of my existence. I had gained some weight. I had mounted the dreaded neurotic treadmill of self reflection.

I had been taking a lot of actions to improve the situation…I reached out to people and connected more, I tried to find better uses of my time, I tried to right my health patterns using sheer willpower. But the effect of these adjustments (while still profound) approached a plateau, and in a moment of intense frustration, I made a sudden and emphatic decision to radically change my situation. For sanity’s sake, I was going home. I was done.

I had thought that I was looking for solitude, but what did I really know? I had just spent five years living in a residence hall with 900 other people. I craved some space and quiet, because the soul needs that. It needs nature and the countryside. You need to have the space sometimes to be by yourself and pray. But I don’t think that life is for living alone.

When I decided to move back home with my dad, I didn’t meet any resistance. It was such an easy decision to make, and very justified. I really did need a more supportive environment. I really didn’t feel so useful. I thought I just needed to go home. What I’m saying is, it was easy to rationalize, and nobody at the time was urging me to re-think things.

But then all of a sudden, the floodgates of consultation were opened when one very dear person approached me about the idea of staying, of reconsidering.

The next day I had a minor melt-down. It’s hard for me to express the intensity of feelings that reside far, far beneath the necessary emotional buffer, but I did feel them intensely, and they’re still there. I felt connected to the teaching efforts that I had made, even though my ardor was dampened by depression. I had a strong intuitive feeling that my current tests in the arena of service were very important to my spiritual growth. I felt like I was turning away from a very rich and real and mystical experience, from a rare and precious blessing. I had the overwhelming feeling that I couldn’t leave.

So, I went out on a limb. I had to look for one more option. There was a Baha’i couple who lived in town. I decided to see if I could live with them. I went over to the house the next night and confided my thoughts and feelings to the husband of the household, a kind and compassionate soul. He advised me to pray and to consult: with my parents, with my community, with people I trusted. He encouraged me to call his wife, and so the next day, I did. She welcomed me to stay in their home, with all the sincerity and generosity of her heart.

This time I really prayed about the decision and I talked it out with everyone. That felt really good. For all of my alleged hatred of individualism, I still have yet to make a pattern of sincerely consulting with other people about decisions. I think it can do so much to dispel the confusion that my own mind will inevitably carry around with it. How arrogant of me to think that I couldn’t benefit from another perspective! Especially when I know all too well that rarely do I make decisions in a state of perfect mental and spiritual clarity.

I’m so very glad that I’m staying here now. I still have all of the good challenges, but fewer of the bad ones. I’m done with self-imposed isolation and all of the issues that come with it, but I’m ready to tackle some other questions and challenges. I see questions of racial unity. I face challenges in defining and projecting my personality as I interact with various cultural values inside and outside the Baha’i community. I’m getting a better idea of what “commitment to long-term action” really looks like.

I love living with other people. I love doing my part to keep the house neat and orderly. I love cooking and eating some meals together. I love saying good night and good morning, and being asked whether or not the dogs have been fed.  I really feel like I have a golden opportunity now to be healthier physically, emotionally and spiritually. And most of all, I’ve gotten a fresh start in terms of re-setting my attitude and dedication to the work of the Cause here. I have a limited time here, and I have opportunities for growth and service that exist nowhere else for me at this moment.

I’m so glad that this worked out and it is so good to be here.

______________________________________________________

Take ye counsel together in all matters, inasmuch as consultation is the lamp of guidance which leadeth the way, and is the bestower of understanding.

(“Tablets of Bahá’u'lláh Revealed after the Kitab-i-Aqdas” [rev. ed.], (Haifa: Bahá’í World Centre, 1982), p. 168)

No power can exist except through unity. No welfare and no well-being can be attained except through consultation.

(From a Tablet – translated from the Arabic)

For everything there is and will continue to be a station of perfection and maturity. The maturity of the gift of understanding is made manifest through consultation.

(From a Tablet – translated from the Persian)

Settle all things, both great and small, by consultation. Without prior consultation, take no important step in your own personal affairs. Concern yourselves with one another. Help along one another’s projects and plans. Grieve over one another. Let none in the whole country go in need. Befriend one another until ye become as a single body, one and all…

(From a Tablet – translated from the Persian)

<3

Discomfort, and other things

The past seven months of me attempting to be of service in Hemingway, South Carolina have inspired a lot of questions for me. An interesting topic of the moment is the question of discomfort.

I’ve heard it said that if comfort were the goal of life, then we had all been much better off while still in the womb. I can’t claim to have grasped an iota of the Baha’i perspective on comfort, but I get a general sense that it is unimportant and, in some ways, a hindrance to growth. Indeed it is almost common knowledge that personal growth can only be achieved through stepping outside of one’s comfort zone and learning through new experiences.

So, I’m all for embracing discomfort in the name of growth. At least, I am in principle. Indeed, I’ve written before about how attachment to comfort is something I wish I could leave behind me, as it hinders the spirit of service and the cherished goal of selflessness.

The problem is, I don’t believe that discomfort is only a catalyst for growth. I also believe that it is a tool of the intuition, a feeling that conveys to us that something is wrong or needs to be changed. You can harm yourself by ignoring discomfort, be it emotional or physical. For instance, in the physical sense, although sore muscles are a sign of a good workout, you can also have pain that comes from moving incorrectly, which over time leads to injury. I’ve likewise experienced that discomfort in interpersonal relationships (beyond initial shyness, etc.) is nearly always a sign that something is quite wrong, even if you can’t identify what it is. This phenomenon is often known as “bad vibes.”

Working through the discomfort of life can be a murky process. At least for me, it takes a while to find out whether a strange new situation is just something to get used to, or is simply not good for me. I usually end up trying to make something work for quite a while before admitting that I need to give it a rest and move on. I bore the discomfort of engineering for so long that I ended up getting the darn degree. I’ve stayed in relationships for perhaps longer than necessary. And I stayed in Hemingway for seven months before deciding to leave. Regarding that decision, it’s really in a gray area with respect to my ideals. A part of me speculates that it was my test to learn to be of service in a completely isolating environment, and to overcome the difficulties of cultural differences and personal insecurities. A bigger part of me is emphatic that I need to be in a more supportive environment, at least for a while. I still wonder: Am I backing down from the challenge? Am I shrinking away out of a need to be comfortable? Or am I just finally admitting that this environment is not compatible with my personal strengths and limitations? I can’t be sure. But I don’t let it bother me too much.

On a slightly related note, I had some discomfort this evening because I ate a big dinner, which also led to a food coma. This was somewhat inevitable because I had a busier-than-usual day and inadvertently skipped lunch. This led me to think it was a good idea to have a small bit of half-caffeine coffee after dinner, to counteract the food coma. Which in turn led me to stay up very late. I think in the recent past I would be inclined to berate myself and search for the reason why something like this happened and how I could prevent it from happening in the future. But honestly, at this point I’m just going to accept that it happens sometimes, and there’s no sense crying over spilt milk anyway.

On a more general note to my readership, don’t get too excited about the full upcoming Viktor Frankl post. It may not come very soon. The reason for this is that I read the book very quickly the first time, and it quite blew my mind, but I didn’t really gather my thoughts. I want to read the book again and take notes, maybe even make a mind map or something crazy like that. But I’ve found that if I’m reading more than two books at a time I will usually drop one (unless the third book is a very quick read) and right now I’m still in the thick of The Dawnbreakers and The Priceless Pearl. But Man’s Search For Meaning (round 2) is next in the queue along with Dr. Muhajir. So, sit tight.

Thanks for reading. It really does something for me.

Love, Mona