The barren womb of my rambling idealism cries out to the sky

“Spiritual life happens when you realize that your desire to be pure, your need to live in faith for real, with full integrity, exceeds your desire for ease, comfort, and heedlessness. It is a different thing entirely when you want to be some idea of a good person, and try to do that, but also lament that you are not free to do as you please. 

The difference comes from the realization that to do as you please, if it be not the pleasure of God, is not freedom, but utter tyranny.” – Me

I could use the Fast right now. I feel like a broken record, honestly.

Faced with a world of horrors, horrors, horrors for the masses of humanity. The tragic beauty of humanity (sentence fragments reflect natural thought). What do you do when you see that you need strength and courage to right the wrongs? What, then, when you feel that you have none of these? The time comes after the tension grows and grows. The waters of love surge into rocky shores of pain. The truth carves its letters into your soul, bearing a strong message that no calamity could erase: Your heart’s intention must be pure, pure, pure. Like the last chord of sacred eight-part vocal harmony echoing through a hushed cathedral. Then you will know of a certainty that every day – nay, every hour – nay, every breath – shall waft your spirit into new realms of potency, serenity, joy.

O MY FRIENDS!

Have ye forgotten that true and radiant morn, when in those hallowed and blessed surroundings ye were all gathered in My presence beneath the shade of the tree of life, which is planted in the all-glorious paradise? Awe-struck ye listened as I gave utterance to these three most holy words: O friends! Prefer not your will to Mine, never desire that which I have not desired for you, and approach Me not with lifeless hearts, defiled with worldly desires and cravings. Would ye but sanctify your souls, ye would at this present hour recall that place and those surroundings, and the truth of My utterance should be made evident unto all of you.

(Baha’u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words)

 

Sicut cervus desiderat ad fontes aquarum,

Ita desiderat anima mea ad te Deus.

 

As the deer longs for the water-brooks,

So longs my soul for you, O God.

-Psalm 42:1

 

My biggest test for the last couple of years, though, has been feeling (relatively) alone in my quest for human interdependence. It pulls me back into my ego and pain like nothing else can. A meditation on that:

You think you will be a bad friend by being grouchy or unpleasant. You think you will be a bad friend by being too busy to get together often, or by having pain and sadness and problems that you don’t know how to solve. You think you will be a bad friend if you have to cancel sometimes, or forget sometimes, or not be the strong one all the time. You think you will be a bad friend if you’re too stressed or frazzled to keep in touch. You think I won’t forgive you even for giving the silent treatment, or needing more space. But you’re wrong. 

Anything would be better than that certain disturbing air of nonchalance.

If you’re willing to be real at all, and even the least bit vulnerable, seeking your right approach to the challenges in life, that is beautiful. No need to pour out your heart and soul. But why do people need to pretend that they have everything in life figured out? How is that a good reason to keep everyone else at a distance?

And why does that make me so bitter and jaded? Angst, angst, angst.

 

To walk where there is no path,

To breathe where there is no air,

To see where there is no light-

       This is Faith.

 

To cry out in the silence,

The silence of the night,

And hearing no echo believe

And believe again and again-

        This is Faith.

 

To hold pebbles and see jewels

To raise sticks and see forests

To smile with weeping eyes-

        This is Faith.

 

To Say: ‘God, I believe’ when others deny,

‘I hear’ when there is no answer,

‘I see’ though naught is seen-

        This is Faith.

 

And the fierce love in the heart,

The savage love that cries Hidden

        Thou art yet there!

Veil thy face and mute thy tongue

Yet I see and hear Thee, Love,

Beat me down to the bare earth,

Yet I rise and love Thee, Love!

        This is Faith. 

-Ruhiyyih Khanum

 

Yeah, I still think the faith will prevail over the angst, after all this time. Happy Fasting?